So what’s it like to lose someone you truly love? To lose your best friend, you soul mate, your mentor….your life?
Picture yourself waking up in the middle of the night only to find yourself getting stabbed in the heart, in the face, in the back and in every single part of your body, over and over again, feeling every inch of pain, wishing it would stop, anxiously awaiting the mercy of death, but it doesn’t come. It leaves you suffering, aching, twisting and turning, attempting to somehow ease the pain…still, it remains.
On this day. 10 years ago, I sat in this room trying hard to breathe telling myself “the pain will go away … the pain will go away … it’ll be over … the day will end … one day I’ll be able to say that this happened 10 years ago … I’m gonna be just fine … I’m gonna forget it ever happened”
Being there next to him, watching him die, not being able to do anything about it, feeling helpless, trapped, paralyzed…nothing to do but watch!
You know, the next day there was an article about him in the newspaper titled “maata mubtasimen” (He Died Smiling) which talked about how he was always smiling throughout his life and always joking with people making them laugh even when he was feeling ill. But what the writer of that article didn’t know was that he literally was smiling while he was dying.
Heh…today I can say “it’s been 10 years”, I did it, I made it, I survived but not without a price. You see, I’ve stopped living my life for oh so long, too long, but even though I can never forget, I will start to live the days yet to come.
The weird thing though, I can’t remember what I did last week, but I remember that day like it’s yesterday. Everything from waking up and watch him die, to the people who came to the funeral, to when mom fainted and I hysterically laughed, to when I saw him wrapped up in that white cloth and got so angry ‘cos “Martha 3alaih”. Friends came up to me that day and told me “One day you’ll forget”, I waited so patiently for that day, until I found out that they were lying. How could I forget his voice, his smile, his scent, the warmth of his hug, the way he used to always turn off my bedroom lights and say goodnight to me before I went to bed…………the way he made me feel safe.
Wish you were here Daddy; it’s just not the same without you. Don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl now and gonna kick some serious ***. Love ya :*
